I had one of the best days of my life. when they happen, you have to write them down. I saw my son take the first step toward becoming a person of character and strength without being pushed. His autonomy has left me a sobbing mess at how happy I am for who he can become.
I couldn't handle most of today. It started at my last talk. As goes the case when any talk I give is 110% effort but maybe only hits at like 80% quality, I end up falling down. Where I fall down isn't into the patterns of perfection, it's knowing how much time I spent
I can code for months and have it judged in a 5 seconds; I need to convey the message to others effectively. Any misstep is the loss of someone to potentially help build that future. It's also a loss of my belief that that time was spent well when it could have been with the boys
that coupled w/ a DM from a friend: "in building a future for your sons, you should also build it such that you are in that future.". I took that to heart and applied it today. I slept, took personal time, and took my boys to a nearby vintage amusement park as we have for years
we had a great time riding waterslides and to them I'm sure it'll be just another trip we went on. To me, well, I don't write these things down for others, I write them to force myself to replay it in my mind so I can feel that emotion all over again. The rush of freedom.
No longer are the days where we go and daddy carries the youngest, he wants to run off and explore on his own. Tackling things that should be far too scary for most 5 year olds with only moderate hesitation. The 7yo doing much the same but w. no fear.
they want to explore, play, & meet new friends as they go. We play for awhile, eat, nothing overly different from all the other happy memories we've formed there in the past. Both of them though tried new things, things they were afraid to do without reassurance. I saw them grow
It's an amazing, magical thing. These golden memories forming in front of you, dancing in the water, running as fast as they can to ride a short ride they've loved the last several times. I have trouble seeing through the happy tears at the thought of the years we've done this
I believe firmly in conquering new rides at a young age. The pattern of accomplishment of defeating your fear and reservation is really important to me and I make my kids go on rides with me as soon as they are of height / age. Today the youngest road a new roller coaster
He was a wreck in line. Watching it, anxiously, as we got closer to the ride entrance he started panicking, his older brother assuring him that it would all be fine and we'd hold his hand wasn't working this time. We got to the ride, sat, and as it started he calmed immediately
we road, me and the oldest yelling happily while the youngest sat passively enjoying. Afterwards we always make a big deal when we do something big so we got off we picked him up and celebrated we took a picture to commemorate the achievement.
Later sitting quietly he told me how much fun it was, unprovoked. About how it's really not as scary as he thought and that it's "only 1 hill". He couldn't wait to tell his mom, he had won. He grew up. (and he got cotton candy as a reward so, you know).
It was the older ones turn, jokingly I pointed to a very high tower (he likes rides you sit in and they fall slightly in place but only ever kiddie one). The X Scream tower is 120 feet high https://www.mydelgrossopark.com/attractions/rides/thrill-rides/xscream-tower/ … I said he should ride it. we kept passing it, he wasn't sure
later, we walked back towards it, he had said he would do it and then said no and said maybe and kept dancing around it so we walked back over to it and I told him it was up to him. He stared at it nervously and finally saw some other kids around his age so he got in line.
he bounced around nervously, talking to himself quietly and then when it was his turn got up and sat on a side by himself. This alone is scary for him, he's extremely sociable w/ the ppl around him on rides and I think it comforts him (I had to watch the little guy so solo ride)
locked in, tower starts moving up, he freaks, I can tell he's really not enjoying it. Very upset, he's working hard not to cry but it's not working. Me and the youngest are on the ground waving and giving the it's ok thumbs up. The tower reaches the top and drops immediately
he comes down, visibly upset and we're cheering, happy he made the trip back safe and wanting to embrace him since he's really visibly upset. He gets off the ride, still crying, shaking, runs back off and I come to the front of the ride to greet him (the celebration w/ his bro)
I tell him it's ok now and he doesn't have to be upset and give him a hug. He pushes away: "I'm going on it again, right now." I say huh? Shaking, upset.. not at the anxiety of the ride, he's upset with himself that he was scared at all bc he had missed out on the fun of it.
I hug him again, tighter until he stops being upset, and then he goes back in line (to the surprise of the young woman operating the ride to see him). He says it was awesome and he won't be afraid this time. He sits in the exact same seat, and loves every minute of it this time.
he gets off and says he wants to do it again because it's awesome, we laugh and have to move on to other rides (his bro is getting annoyed at this point). He keeps talking about it afterwards about how proud he is that he did it. I can't stop smiling that he did it for him.
I keep playing the day in my head over & over, it seems like it went so fast. We were there for hours but it felt like only a snapshot in time. And it's those snapshots that I've collected over the years of this project. It's those snapshots that bring me great joy and wreck me.
I disrupted my day for this. It was amazing. How many times the past 7 years have I missed amazing days because of routine. How much joy have I missed because of the golden handcuffs I left weigh me down from these golden memories. These snapshots of joy developed so quickly
he's so big, so wonderful as he looks to tackle the world more & more of his own desire. We're pushing him towards being someone he is proud of, and that's an awesome proud poppa type of feeling, but the little things crush me still for sure. He's too big for certain rides now
he watched on the sideline his brother experiencing simple joys that he now can only replay in his mind. He was disappointed about this as you could see the one last time he wanted to ride certain things before growing too big. We road the train to end the day, as we always do
holding the two of them, they can't possibly understand how happy I am to get to know them. How hard I work bc of how much I love them. It is only in these moments that I hope they see that, as we sit quietly and stare at the tracks on the road ahead, knowing where they take us
all the way around, for a short glimpse of a time when we could just sit and enjoy each other's smiles while watching the woods roll by. I'm not sure if my known future conditions amplify my emotion at these events or not.
Before we left I saw a video that shook me; it was an elderly man getting treatment for Parkinsons that reversed his tremors (like a pace maker but to control the input from your brain). I have a tremor (always have) and my grandfather had Parkinsons, these facts always weigh
The worry of forgetting, it is one of the most weighing things as I witness golden memories. It is why I try to write every time I witness one, even if I usually can't see the screen through the pure joy at knowing how happy and how blessed I truly am.
If you see me talk or watch one of my videos, know that why coffee helps me wake up in the morning, those two little guys and my wonderful wife keep me energized to put in that 110% every time. They are my world and I wouldn't be me without them.